I MATTER!!!

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I have been in a dark place for some time now. I can see the light yet here I am consumed by this darkness. As I reflect on the things that have kept me at a standstill, I have realized much of this is my very own doing. I have lowered my standards; compromised myself; enabled others to take advantage of me and all in the name of loyalty… The worst of all infractions I have committed against myself; believing that as long as I do right by others they will do right by me . I failed to account for the fact that not everyone has a moral compass. I have lost myself in trying to accommodate others, in remaining silent and in allowing this to have gone on as long as it has. From this moment forth I will not put my faith in others instead I will invest that faith in myself….

I know I have a long journey ahead but at least I know where to start. I start with me, with taking care of me and getting myself out of this darkness. I am well aware that my happiness is in my own hands. I am ready to embrace it. Two days ago I began my 22 day journey to reorganizing and removing the clutter from my life. I believe the first week will be the most trying but once I make it passed this point  I am sure the rest will come with more ease. Breaking a habit is never simple but here I stand today dedicated to myself first and I will begin each day with that in mind….

I began this new journey with a list of things I refuse to accept in my life because what I allow into my life is completely within my control. If I truly want to benefit from this journey I must be honest with myself during those periods of reflection. I will not hold back. I will not compromise who I am. I will not allow myself to be manipulated. I will not allow my life to be based on lies. I will not hide who I am. Moving forward, “I Matter To Me”!!!!!!

 

Sinncere

SINNCERE

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As we go through the motions of living life, at times we lose our focus without realizing it. Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves the time to take a step back. This time should be used for self reflection. Oftentimes we find ourselves overwhelmed with stress but what we don’t realize is that we have more control of our lives than we allow ourselves to believe.
Our happiness and peace can only come from within. Sulking in misery is of no use, it does not serve a purpose, it just guarantees continued misery. How can we see the good that surrounds us when we are stuck in a miserable state?

Our happiness is our own responsibility; often we relinquish control of our happiness by expecting others to make us happy. We relinquish control of our peace, joy, love and all the things that make life worth living when we put those things in others hands.

TAKE CONTROL NOW! SMILE AND TAKE THE WORLD ON!!!!

My Word

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 When I look back and think of the people who I was growing up with or around, I notice a big difference between them and the generations since. I learned early on that some qualities are very important because it can say a great deal about a person’s character. Respect, Honesty and Loyalty were three very important values to have. You knew who had it and gave it and you also knew those that didn’t. The funny thing is, that none of those values could be learned, if one didn’t at first learn, the value of their own word….

I am grateful to have been blessed with the opportunities to learn those lessons. Remember the phrase, “The older you are the wiser you get.”. I remember dismissing that statement, pure ignorance… Now I know it to be true, although that is not the case for everyone (some people never mature, or mature considerably late). One has to be willing to encourage and embrace growth and that takes time which leads to wisdom. O.K, I am getting off subject…Anyway…

As far back as I can remember, my word has always been very important to me. I always appreciated the trust I developed between me and those with which I interacted with. I appreciated it so much that I was loyal to and respected them to the best of my ability. I have made many quality friends and family everywhere I have lived and that is a reflection of my character. Don’t get me wrong, I have ruined plenty of relationships because to err is human and I am far from perfect. I have learned from those experiences and I can say, that today, I give every relationship my all, whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship, family relationship,etc. Those that I love and hold dear, know it. I believe the quality of my word has made that all possible.

Today, I realized just how powerful my word can be. I have got to say, I am full of gratitude to all of those that value my word. It has formed strong bonds that I am convinced will last a lifetime because the impact it has had on my life, will last forever! My word is and always will be important to me and as long as I can remain true to that I can remain true to myself and those with which I interact…. 

 

Sinncere

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Pic Source:http://personalexcellence.co/quotes/1340

My Big Secret

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I LOVE WRITING!!! Ok Ok so not so much of a secret to some, but I need that to be known. As far back as I can remember… I loved poetry. I loved the magic of words and the fact there is more than one word with the same meaning. I was always proud that I never received a complaint for being repetitive in writing. Basically, at an early age I understood the power of words, their synonyms and antonyms. All thosee things most kids hated about grammar/english, oh I loved it, I found it intriguing. My ability to express myself through words has changed my life. Whether an inspirational or a sad and depressing piece, they all have helped me grow. I write because it is my therapy. I can be me and no one can filter me. I love the freedom of writing. It is awesome. Even if not for profit, writing heals. It has healed me in the past and continues to be a coping mechanism. It is not for everyone and it does not make one better than another, it simply serves as an out, its a perspective.;… Oh that opens the doors for the discussion doesn’t it? That is one thing I love about writing, evoking emotions whether in agreement or disagreement….discussion nonetheless… Words are powerful. I know how powerful they are. I want to inspire with my words. I want to encourage change with my words…. But it seems that no matter how much I want that, I can’t get there. Damn, I feel restrained, held back, I just want to write. But writing for the joy of writing is not paying the bills. The stress I carry is overwhelming. It is to the point I don’t get to write as often as I would like. One thing every writer needs is a time slot to write in an environment where they can be productive, I don’t have that. I can’t make that happen because my responsibilities do not allow. At times I feel like I am at war with myself. I know what will make me happy but I still have responsibilities that take precedence. There are always things more urgent than my wanting to write. That is the reality of life but that does not mean that it goes without effect….I know how to prioritize but I fear that because I have bigger priorities, I may miss my chance at one of my biggest dreams….. To be a a writer…..

Sinn

Just One of Those Days

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I don’t really know why but I decided to grab a piece of paper and a pen. I guess in a way I need to let my feelings out. Unfortunately I have no one to speak to. I know it seems impossible. Like, Really? Not one single person to talk to???? It’s the truth. And every time I sit down to write I realize how much I love to write. I love the feeling of letting the words out; letting them go…It’s like a weight lifting off my shoulders. Writing makes me feel like I spoke to someone, even though I technically didn’t. That explains why I resort to writing. It is my friend….
I’ve been trying to make sense of this anxiety I feel. But the more I try to figure it out the more I realize, issues will not resolve themselves… At some point we have to decide to take action because inaction does not magically lead to progress. If we do not progress, we either remain stagnant or regress… I like neither… I like to grow, learn and move forward. I have learned that no matter how much something hurts, sometimes it is in our own best interest to let go….
I know that I am in control but that does not mean that emotions don’t sometimes get in the way.
Currently, I am sad and lonely. I look around and realize that I am more alone than I could have ever imagined. I have my son and I am so grateful for him because he is the reason I breathe…. But he is 12 years old. I can’t talk to him about the adult shit. The shit we go through just trying to make it and survive. The bullshit we go through loving people, whether it be friends, family or more intimate. I can’t worry him with financial issues, my job is to provide financial peace. I can’t share those things with the one person that gives me a sense of home…. I have to be strong for him. I can’t show him that pain. I can’t show anyone. So its always just me and my words. Me and my emotions. Me and my thoughts…. Me and my struggles. Me and my pain. All alone…Its just me….Will that ever change?????
Sinn

Dear Son

Originally written: 12/08/10

Dear Son,

When I first laid eyes on you, I cried tears of joy. Here you were, this tiny little bundle, how could you instantly change my life? The maternal instinct was immediate and the love was simply humbling. That day was the first day in my life I felt alive and I have been living ever since… You have given me the drive to fulfill my destiny, for you, for me, for us. You give me the strength and courage to face the world head on. With your help, I have grown so much, as a person, as a woman and especially as a mother. I owe you my life and that is a debt I will gladly repay… I live for you, I live because of you, and when the day arrives where I am no longer here physically, don’t ever forget that I will continue to live through you. Jeremiah, I love you son… Love always, your mom. (Sinn)

Happy 6th Anniversary

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        Love sure is something… It can be scary, intimidating, exciting and the best thing in the world. Relationships are far from easy but as long as two individuals are committed to one another they can make it through the toughest of life’s hurdles. It has been one exciting ride thus far and I must say, even after six years I am still in love…. Every relationship has its ups and downs and it is making it through those that test the strength of our love and our commitment to one another. I know at times it is difficult to see just how much I love you, just know that I do and that is why I am here always ready to fight for us… You have been there for me through some of my toughest moments, my craziest self revelations and through some of my biggest accomplishments… You have been here through the good, the bad, the crazy, the fun, the fear, and the joy of the last six years…. I love you, Happy Anniversary Shad!

Love,

Sinn

pic source: http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/agoraphobia-discussions/general-support/3996624-happy-anniversary-silverguy

Tribute to Goldy (7)

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Seven years ago my brother committed suicide. It was a difficult time for my family, to say the least. The most difficult part of dealing with the suicide of a loved one, is living…

That first year was like having an out of body experience. It was like watching myself go through the motions of living, yet not. There was this unrelenting knot in my stomach that served as a constant reminder that I was dying inside. Losing a loved one is never easy but through the years I have come to one realization. It hurt so bad to live without him that I never looked at it from his point of view… And that is what is different this year.

This year I will not torture myself with the why because it just is. This year I bask in all the great memories we shared. Of course I miss him but this year I miss him with peace in my heart. This year I can say that I understand my brother had to make a difficult decision but he made it for HIM. In order to accept and understand that, one must know that he was the most unselfish person I have ever known in my life. He would give you the shirt off his back. He would put a smile on your face not to see you sad and he would give you his last. That is who he was… So unselfish he kept his sorrows to himself not to worry anyone.

This year I respect his decision. He went out his way. On his own terms in search of peace and I believe he found that… As much as it hurts to live without him, the memories will live on forever! If peace is what he was in search of,  I truly believe he has attained it. If we truly love him, we can accept that…..In peace…

Sinncere

Ohhh….A Kiss…

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pic source: http://friend4chats.blogspot.com/2011/09/top-10-fun-ways-to-kiss-your-partner.html

No words,

Just a stare,

Not creepy,

Oh Not a glare,

But nonetheless,

A stare….

Oh, that moment before a kiss,  The stare is deep as if in search of one’s soul…. This moment of innocent intimacy can’t come soon enough…Yet it is here…And we kiss…. Oh the magic, the kiss and its power, its magical, freeing, enchanting…..

Oh those kisses…They are the ones that matter, the ones to hold onto, the ones to embrace…… Oh they are passionate, intense, and captivating…..

Oh yes, those are the kisses that mean the world…..

Ohhhhh a kiss……

Who would’ve thought…..

Sinn