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Seven years ago my brother committed suicide. It was a difficult time for my family, to say the least. The most difficult part of dealing with the suicide of a loved one, is living…

That first year was like having an out of body experience. It was like watching myself go through the motions of living, yet not. There was this unrelenting knot in my stomach that served as a constant reminder that I was dying inside. Losing a loved one is never easy but through the years I have come to one realization. It hurt so bad to live without him that I never looked at it from his point of view… And that is what is different this year.

This year I will not torture myself with the why because it just is. This year I bask in all the great memories we shared. Of course I miss him but this year I miss him with peace in my heart. This year I can say that I understand my brother had to make a difficult decision but he made it for HIM. In order to accept and understand that, one must know that he was the most unselfish person I have ever known in my life. He would give you the shirt off his back. He would put a smile on your face not to see you sad and he would give you his last. That is who he was… So unselfish he kept his sorrows to himself not to worry anyone.

This year I respect his decision. He went out his way. On his own terms in search of peace and I believe he found that… As much as it hurts to live without him, the memories will live on forever! If peace is what he was in search of,  I truly believe he has attained it. If we truly love him, we can accept that…..In peace…